My blog was meant to be about photography. Lately photography has been on the back burner and I can't seem to light a fire under my butt and get moving again. The cause of this is GRIEF. This last year has been very sobering, sad and full of tears. I am seeing so many people I know pass on. That's what we get for growing older. When we are young we are invincable and we don't see alot of death in our lives. Unless like myself you lose a parent when you are a child. That is something no child should have to go through. I never was able to really believe my dad was gone and I just kept living a fantasy that he would return. His death was ugly. Viewing the body was horrific. And life goes on. This year I have lost a grand neighbor, Jim Pruitt. He was such a great man to know. I had the opportunity to visit with him many times at his barn, the meeting place. He had stories of being a POW and put in a concentration camp that would make you think our life today was a bowel of cherries. Goodbye was said to Jim. I still miss him. The last year in my mama's life was grueling. Mom continued to decline in the nursing home with dementia getting worse as well as her COPD. However mom knew us up to the end. I remember when it first started. She repeated herself constantly. I even remember getting frustrated and agitated about it. Mom tried to cover her "forgetfullness." I even remembering trying to get her to "snap out of it." How selfish of me....I was thinking of me because I did not want to lose my mommy, my friend, my confidant, my soft place to fall. Moms always made things better and I was becoming the parent and she the child. Only when I realized that I had to change did I find more comfort. I became whoever she wanted me to be, I was wherever she wanted me to be. I jumped into her world. I just agreed with whatever she said. When she looked out her window and told me she saw a bear I responded "lets walk the other way mom so we don't piss it off." If mom thought I was someone else, well that was ok too. Mom could not remember if we visited her or not. She claimed we were never there. So I bought a little book and we began to sign in when we visited. That book means the world to me now. As mom's life ended it became more of a diary about how her day was going, what or if she ate, and the last page's entry was...."April 29 mom passed at 11:36 with her family beside her." Mom caught pneumonia on Easter day and never snapped out of it this time. Her frail body just had no more Pine Creek strengh to fight any longer. One day out of the blue she ask me "should I go?" I was not sure what she meant so I ask her "do you want to go?" She just shook her head no and cried. The last month of her life I visited mom before I went to work and stopped on my way home at night. My life stopped. Our time together became the most important thing in my life. Mom was no saint as none of us are, but she was a wonderful, loving, giving, caring and most of all forgiving person. I could tell you stories about ultimate sacrifice and forgivness that my mother went through. There were days I would just crawl in bed with her and hold her. I thought I was ready for her suffering to end. I told her over and over "its ok to go mom. I will take care of anything that needs done. Your job is finished and you were a wonderful mom. Thank you." We even prayed that she would not suffer any longer. I think Kathy and I even begged the last night she was with us. Death is not pretty and quick sometimes. We stayed with her constantly. The last morning was unbearable. I wanted to throw myself across her and beg her not to leave me. If a pin dropped we could have heard it......waiting.......breath becomes shallow....waiting......she stops......she starts....until she finally stops for good. Then finally....I could throw myself across her and bawl like a baby. Leaving her was hard. Walking away, going back, walking away going back and finally closing the door to leave. I know that nothing was left unsaid between us. Preparing for her service kept me busy and sane. When it was all over I was empty. Since she passed not a day goes by that I don't cry, that I don't want her back. Weeks after her service we had a private scattering of ashes. Mom wanted to return to the Pine Creek area where she was raised as a kid. We all loaded up in trucks and beat our way through the bushes and trees to get there. After our family had scattered her ashes, 2 eagles circled overhead and we saw a bear in the distance. Mom's passing has brought siblings closer, just the way she would have wanted. We have lost other members of the community recently and my heart goes out to the families. Little ones, elderly and in between. Some days the grief is tolerable and some days not, but we go on. I hope I have a loved one waiting for me to guide me when I pass. So in closing for now I would like to say "until we meet again" to my mama, Jim Pruitt, Ed Jeffko, Luella Schneider, Little Jeffery Bell, Art Westlund, Jack Rawley, Les Schertenlieb just to name a few. And then there are nights when I want to scream like a child in the darkness " I WANT MY MAMA".
My blog was meant to be about photography. Lately photography has been on the back burner and I can't seem to light a fire under my butt and get moving again. The cause of this is GRIEF. This last year has been very sobering, sad and full of tears. I am seeing so many people I know pass on. That's what we get for growing older. When we are young we are invincable and we don't see alot of death in our lives. Unless like myself you lose a parent when you are a child. That is something no child should have to go through. I never was able to really believe my dad was gone and I just kept living a fantasy that he would return. His death was ugly. Viewing the body was horrific. And life goes on. This year I have lost a grand neighbor, Jim Pruitt. He was such a great man to know. I had the opportunity to visit with him many times at his barn, the meeting place. He had stories of being a POW and put in a concentration camp that would make you think our life today was a bowel of cherries. Goodbye was said to Jim. I still miss him. The last year in my mama's life was grueling. Mom continued to decline in the nursing home with dementia getting worse as well as her COPD. However mom knew us up to the end. I remember when it first started. She repeated herself constantly. I even remember getting frustrated and agitated about it. Mom tried to cover her "forgetfullness." I even remembering trying to get her to "snap out of it." How selfish of me....I was thinking of me because I did not want to lose my mommy, my friend, my confidant, my soft place to fall. Moms always made things better and I was becoming the parent and she the child. Only when I realized that I had to change did I find more comfort. I became whoever she wanted me to be, I was wherever she wanted me to be. I jumped into her world. I just agreed with whatever she said. When she looked out her window and told me she saw a bear I responded "lets walk the other way mom so we don't piss it off." If mom thought I was someone else, well that was ok too. Mom could not remember if we visited her or not. She claimed we were never there. So I bought a little book and we began to sign in when we visited. That book means the world to me now. As mom's life ended it became more of a diary about how her day was going, what or if she ate, and the last page's entry was...."April 29 mom passed at 11:36 with her family beside her." Mom caught pneumonia on Easter day and never snapped out of it this time. Her frail body just had no more Pine Creek strengh to fight any longer. One day out of the blue she ask me "should I go?" I was not sure what she meant so I ask her "do you want to go?" She just shook her head no and cried. The last month of her life I visited mom before I went to work and stopped on my way home at night. My life stopped. Our time together became the most important thing in my life. Mom was no saint as none of us are, but she was a wonderful, loving, giving, caring and most of all forgiving person. I could tell you stories about ultimate sacrifice and forgivness that my mother went through. There were days I would just crawl in bed with her and hold her. I thought I was ready for her suffering to end. I told her over and over "its ok to go mom. I will take care of anything that needs done. Your job is finished and you were a wonderful mom. Thank you." We even prayed that she would not suffer any longer. I think Kathy and I even begged the last night she was with us. Death is not pretty and quick sometimes. We stayed with her constantly. The last morning was unbearable. I wanted to throw myself across her and beg her not to leave me. If a pin dropped we could have heard it......waiting.......breath becomes shallow....waiting......she stops......she starts....until she finally stops for good. Then finally....I could throw myself across her and bawl like a baby. Leaving her was hard. Walking away, going back, walking away going back and finally closing the door to leave. I know that nothing was left unsaid between us. Preparing for her service kept me busy and sane. When it was all over I was empty. Since she passed not a day goes by that I don't cry, that I don't want her back. Weeks after her service we had a private scattering of ashes. Mom wanted to return to the Pine Creek area where she was raised as a kid. We all loaded up in trucks and beat our way through the bushes and trees to get there. After our family had scattered her ashes, 2 eagles circled overhead and we saw a bear in the distance. Mom's passing has brought siblings closer, just the way she would have wanted. We have lost other members of the community recently and my heart goes out to the families. Little ones, elderly and in between. Some days the grief is tolerable and some days not, but we go on. I hope I have a loved one waiting for me to guide me when I pass. So in closing for now I would like to say "until we meet again" to my mama, Jim Pruitt, Ed Jeffko, Luella Schneider, Little Jeffery Bell, Art Westlund, Jack Rawley, Les Schertenlieb just to name a few. And then there are nights when I want to scream like a child in the darkness " I WANT MY MAMA".
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